Choices and Consequences
by ladyhawk89
Summary: If you could make a different choice in your past, would you? On a diplomatic visit, Katara and Zuko discuss the choices that shaped their lives and their hopes for the future.
Zuko's head was pounding. The day hadn't even begun yet, but already he was overwhelmed by the sheer number of things that needed to be done. The life of the Fire Lord was more tedious and relentless than Zuko had ever imagined. The worst part, he decided, was the fact that he was _still_ trying to clean up the mess his father and grandfather had created. There was still distrust of the Fire Nation among the different nations and tribes of the world. Nearly two decades after the war had ended the Fire Nation's economy still hadn't quite righted. The issues of poverty plaguing his country alone were enough to make the idea of facing the day a dismal prospect to Fire Lord Zuko, but face it he must. With a heavy sigh, he swung his feet over the edge of his bed and dragged himself out of bed, careful not to disturb his sleeping wife, and quietly prepared himself for the long day ahead.

The sun was just coming up over the horizon. The sight was usually enough to lift Zuko's spirits, even just a little, and today was no exception. He was reminded of something he had said a long time ago.

 _I rise with the sun._

There was something almost poetic in the memory of the words that made the mornings easier for Zuko to bear. It wasn't anything he could ever explain; it just was. Zuko was sure Iroh could have put the emotion into words. He always had a gift for that, but he was long gone, like everyone else Zuko truly ever cared about.

Zuko made his way towards his office, pausing for a moment outside of his children's bedroom. There was no sound from within, but Zuko wasn't sure if it was because the children were sleeping or because they just weren't making any noise. Either was just as likely as the other. Zuko decided not to check in case he accidentally woke them, and continued on to his office.

In the pale dawn light, the reds, gold and browns of the office looked as dull and muted as Zuko felt. There was a huge pile of papers on the desk that needed to be sorted through, signed, and sent off before noon, when he was expected at the docks to greet the Avatar and his wife. Running a hand through his hair, Zuko sat down and looked over the documents. Foreign policy; treaties; finances. Zuko wished he could just set the lot on fire and let the palace burn with them. Zuko shook his head. Those were thoughts he tried to steer clear of. He had a job to do, and he did genuinely love his country enough to do it. With a heavy, surrendered sigh he dove into his work.

A soft knock on the door brought Zuko out of his work and, to his surprise he noticed that several hours had gone by without his notice. The pile of papers to be looked through had shrunk drastically, he noted with immense relief. There was another soft knock and Zuko bade the visitor to come in.

"Good morning, Father," Kiko and Honora greeted Zuko politely.

"Morning," Zuko replied, curtly. He always felt slightly uncomfortable around his daughters.

"Mother wanted us to remind you that the Avatar and his wife will be arriving shortly," Honora said.

"She had the servants lay out your clothes," Kiko added.

"Thank you." Zuko nodded his head slightly at them. Then he opened a drawer and felt around a bit and pulled out a couple of pieces of candy. He held it out to the twin girls awkwardly, and they just as awkwardly came forward to accept it.

"Thank you, Father," they said together with a slight curtsy. Zuko smiled slightly at them and gave them both a pat on the head. They weren't ones for hugging, and honestly Zuko didn't mind. With nothing more to be said, they left the room as quietly and unobtrusively as they had come in. Zuko sighed and looked at the papers he had left to finish. He still had about two hours to get to the port where the Avatar always landed his bison. If nothing else, he could send his wife ahead of him. Zuko immediately dismissed that idea. The arrival of the Avatar was a big deal in the Fire Nation. If the Fire Lady showed up without the Fire Lord, people would talk.

"Can't have that now," Zuko muttered to himself. He went back to his room and sure enough, the servants had laid out his most opulent and ceremonial silk robes. His wife was already gone. She was probably in her dressing room having her maidservants dress her. Zuko never liked having people dress him. After years of being at sea and then on the run with no one else to dress him, Zuko had gotten used to dressing himself and preferred the independence of it. Besides, his robes seemed to be more straight-forward than the Fire Lady's ceremonial dress anyway.

Zuko hung his clothes on the back of his wardrobe and began to get out of the simple red jerkin and pants he had been in all morning. He paused for a moment and looked at himself in the mirror. He hardly recognized the man he had grown into. His hair was starting to grey and there was as paunch around his midsection that he had begun to develop since his thirtieth birthday and years of scowling had left permanent lines around his mouth and on his forehead. He looked about ten years older than he actually was. This was the price of the weight of the world. Although Zuko didn't remember his father looking quite so aged at 36 as he did. His wife was certainly better preserved.

 _The effects of 12 hours of sleep and not having to do any real work_ , Zuko thought bitterly. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. Yet another thought that he needed to banish. Zuko looked away from the mirror and continued dressing.

Zuko was adjusting the crown on his top knot when a servant knocked lightly on the door and a servant came in, bowing.

"My lord, the Fire Lady is ready and is waiting for you in the carriage." Zuko nodded his thanks and went outside where his wife was waiting for him in the darkened carriage. Zuko could hardly see her in the shadows, but she liked traveling with the shades drawn.

"The streets smell awful in this heat," the Fire Lady said, wrinkling her nose in disgust at the smell of sewage in the streets of the Fire Nation capital. She pulled the shades tighter against the window and Zuko resisted the urge to roll his eyes.

"If you think you've got it bad, try _living_ in it," he muttered.

"What was that, dear?" she asked, listlessly drumming her fingers against the door frame. Zuko stared at her for a moment before answering.

"Nothing." He turned and pulled the shade up a bit, so he could peer out into the streets. The royal carriage was mostly ignored, but some of the citizens stared after it reproachfully. Zuko found he couldn't blame them. Despite his best efforts, they were still starving in the streets. With a sigh, Zuko let the shade back down.

"I don't understand why we had to get rid of the palanquins," the Fire Lady lamented, after they had finally left the city. "It's so much statelier. These ostrich horses smell _terrible_!" Zuko scowled at her, but he was certain she didn't see him in the dimly lit carriage. He could just imagine the reaction of the poverty stricken citizens to seeing their Fire Lord literally being carried on the shoulders of brow beaten servants, especially over the distance from the palace to the docks. It was a mode of transportation he had immediately ended when he took the throne of Fire Lord, and his wife had never quite forgiven him for it. Zuko wanted to retort, but he contented himself with looking out of window through a crack in the screen.

He had long since stopped believing that he had anything like real affection for his wife years ago, but he didn't hate her. Not really. She was irritating as all get out, but she was a good mother. She had supplied their daughters with nothing but the best nannies and tutors in the nation. They were the quietest, most well-behaved girls in the nation and Zuko had his wife to thank for that. She wasn't a terrible Fire Lady. She wasn't a great one, by any means, but she never stuck her nose into Zuko's political business and they never argued over his decisions for the Fire Nation. It sometimes bothered Zuko that his wife seemed to have no interest in his work, but at the same time, at least she wasn't trying to force him to create laws that would ultimately hurt the country, either, as some Consorts before had done to disastrous ends. Zuko could trust her to leave him to work in peace, and that made her the perfect wife as far as he was concerned.

The half hour ride to the port was unbearably long. With the shades drawn, the heat of the Fire Nation summer made the carriage hot and sticky, and even if Zuko and his wife were in a talking mood, it was too hot to make the effort, so it was quiet. Zuko wanted nothing more than to be at home, in his office working while his wife and daughters did…whatever it was they did without him. It was far too hot to be traveling with the shades drawn. Zuko yanked on the pulley and suddenly sunlight flooded the carriage.

"Zuko!" the Fire Lady cried, throwing a silk clad arm up to her face. "Put the shade back down!"

"Relax, we're out of town." Zuko stared out of the window, pointedly ignoring his wife's scathing looks.

"You're impossible," she huffed. She crossed her arms and looked away from Zuko, as if he were hardly worth the effort of a fight.

"I actually think I'm fairly simple," Zuko retorted. "I've been told that I'm not a very complicated man. The things that make me angry or happy are pretty easy to figure out. _You're_ impossible. You're impossible to please. Impossible to upset. You're just…you're just…"

"Just what, Zuko?"

"You're just a big…blah!"

"Where is this even coming from?" his wife asked, staring at him strangely. "Are you _trying_ to hurt my feelings?"

"Well, it would prove you could feel _something_ ," Zuko said, petulantly. He could feel shame welling up inside. His face burned with it. The Fire Lady did look a bit hurt. Maybe. It was difficult to tell sometimes.

"Have I not been a good wife?" she asked quietly. "Have I done something wrong?"

"No," Zuko admitted, grudgingly. "It's just…I don't know."

"You don't love me anymore." The statement hung in the air between them. Zuko felt his heart catch in his chest.

"Don't be ridiculous," he said after a moment. Neither of them felt convinced. Neither of them brought it up again.

At last, the smell of salt air flooded the carriage and a few moments later, the ostrich horses came to a halt. They had arrived and they could hear the Avatar's bison in the distance. Zuko got out first and held his hand out to his wife. She looked at it disdainfully before placing her hand stiffly in his. Then her face changed as she smiled brightly

"Very good, Zuko," she said softly so only he could hear. "At least we can pretend for the crowd."

"Hey, Sparky! Aren't there laws about PDA around here?" Zuko and the Fire Lady turned to greet the Avatar and his wife.

"It's nice to see you, Aang," Zuko said with a bow, "Katara."

"It's been too long, Zuko," Aang said, shaking the Fire Lord's hand heartily. He bowed, a bit awkwardly to the Fire Lady. "Mai, you look lovely."

"I'm glad _someone_ thinks so."

"What, Sparky?" Katara asked, with a playful wink. "He probably can't stop thinking about how pretty you are, even if he can't say it. But you know how men are." Mai made a soft noncommittal noise, but didn't otherwise react. Katara looked at her strangely, but shrugged it off, putting the blame on the heat.

"I could use some food about now," Aang said. "You bring a snack?" Katara rolled her eyes good naturedly at her husband.

"You're getting as bad as Sokka and Bumi," she chided him. Zuko almost smiled at them. They seemed like friends, and it was a stark contrast to him and Mai.

"I didn't bring anything," Zuko said apologetically. "But we're having an early dinner. It should be waiting for us by the time we get back and you guys get settled." Aang looked disappointed, but he shrugged it off.

"I guess we'd better get back then!" He gave some last minute instructions about the care of Appa to the attendants and then the two men assisted their wives into the carriage.

They left the shades up this time. Katara and Mai sat together across from their husbands and Katara and Aang chattered on about their travels and their children. They had spent much of the past month in Ba Sing Se with the newly crowned king helping him understand policy and advising him on new law proposals.

"He's not nearly as interesting as his father," Aang said. "His idea of an interesting pet is a sloth-cat." Katara raised an eyebrow at that.

"He may not be as… _colorful_ as his father," she conceded," but he's level headed and mature for one so young. He reminds me a lot of you, Zuko. Only less angst ridden." Zuko bristled slightly, but he could tell Katara was only joking- mostly- so he let it slide.

"We should have him to visit," he said instead. "Maybe now we can iron out the kinks between the Fire Nation and the Earth Kingdom." The look on Katara and Aang's faces told Zuko that they didn't expect international relations to be any easier with King Maiho than it had been with King Kuei. Katara reached over and placed her hand over his sympathetically.

"Aang and I will be here whenever you need us to make things as smooth as possible," she promised. Zuko had to resist the urge to wrap his hand around hers. He was stunned at the impulse, which made it easier to resist. Katara let his hand go after a quick squeeze. She changed the subject a moment later.

"How are the twins?" she asked Mai and Zuko.

"They're…well." Zuko was ashamed that he couldn't say more about his children. Mai, however, was able to handle the conversation from there.

"Kiko and Honora are doing very well," she said before launching into a lengthy, if bland recitation of their accomplishments. They were both shaping up to be master firebenders, like their father and grandfather before them (Zuko flinched at the compliment to Ozai) and they were wonderful ostrich-horse riders. Kiko was becoming a remarkable artist and Honora was excelling in her debate lessons.

"They have a birthday coming up," Zuko added. "They'll be ten this year." Mai looked at him, her face was carefully blank.

"They'll be turning twelve this year," she corrected her husband. Zuko felt his face flush with shame.

"I do that all the time," Aang laughed. "I can never keep the kids' birthdays straight. Last year, I took almost Kya out for a surprise trip on Bumi's birthday. Katara set me straight, but I had to explain to Bumi why I was taking him to a fancy spa for the day." Katara gave Aang a quick, terse look that passed almost as quickly as it had come. She wasn't quite ready to laugh that off yet. For some reason, _Aang_ wasn't the one who had to explain to Bumi why her father could always remember Tenzin's birthday but never his or Kya's.

"How old are your kids now?" Mai asked politely.

"Bumi will be thirteen this winter," Katara said. "Kya just turned eleven and Tenzin is seven."

"They can be a handful," Aang added proudly. "Bumi nearly burned the house down with one of his experiments, but Kya, thankfully managed to put it out before too much harm was done."

"He was trying his hand at baking," Katara explained. "He wanted to see if he could mix a bean bun with a muffin. I _still_ don't understand how he managed to set the stove on fire."

"I took Tenzin to visit the Western Air Temple for the first time on his birthday," Aang continued. "I was going to show Tenzin how to open the doors with his bending. I turned away for one second and when I looked up, he was looking over the edge of the cliff. He leaned over just a little too far and…

" _What?"_ Katara shrieked. She looked at Aang in horror. "How could you let him so close to the edge?" Aang flinched and smiled sheepishly.

"I only looked away for a second," he said. "And he didn't fall far…"

"He _fell?_ "

"Didn't I tell you this story before?" Aang asked. "It's how Tenzin learned to air bend." Katara's face flushed red and her voice got dangerously low. Zuko remembered that tone.

"You know good and well you never told me that part of the story." Aang laughed nervously and leaned as far away from Katara as he could. Which wasn't very far.

"Well," Aang hesitated. "He's ok now?"

"That's _not_ the point!" Katara snapped. "I _told_ you that it was a bad idea for you to take him there alone. I told you those cliffs were too dangerous for a seven-year old, but _you_ insisted! What if he hadn't been able to stop his fall? What if you couldn't get to him fast enough?" Katara looked like she was going to slap him, but when she saw him cowering next to Zuko, she took and deep slow breath and calmed herself down. "Alright. I'll let this go. But Aang, you need to be more careful. You're thirty-one years old and a father. You have to be more responsible. For the sake of _all_ your children." Aang looked at Katara shamefaced and nodded meekly.

"Sorry I told you like that," he said. Katara forced a small smile and waved him off.

"Well, it made the ride more interesting, didn't it?" she tried to say lightly. "How much farther are we?"

"We should be in town in a few minutes," Zuko said. Mai reached up and started to pull the shades down, but Katara protested.

"Oh, please leave those up?" she asked. "It's so hot." Mai rolled her eyes discreetly, but left the shades up.

Zuko could smell the city before they got in and he cast an anxious glance at his friends. Katara was sniffing the air delicately and she shot him a questioning look. The tips of his ears grew warmer and Zuko looked away, ashamed of the state his city was in. When they drove through the town, he made himself meet every eye that gazed on him as the phaeton passed through the main street for the second time that day.

'I'm trying to find space in the budget to begin installing indoor plumbing in the city, and eventually the rest of the nation," Zuko told Katara and Aang by way of explanation. "As you can see, it's slow going." They nodded solemnly.

"I can help you out with that, if you'd like," Katara offered. "And you know Toph would be willing to bring some earth benders to start you off." Zuko tore his eyes from the street and smiled at Katara gratefully.

"How is Toph?" he asked. "I haven't seen her since Suyin was born."

"Oh, you know Toph," Aang said. "Knocking heads. Whipping her troops into shape. All the while teaching Lin and Su how to earth bend. The girls are naturals, and just like their mother. _Just_ like their mother." Zuko smiled at that. Soon they pulled into the courtyard of the palace. Zuko asked a couple of servants to take Katara and Aang's things to their suite before Mai could begin barking orders, as she often did.

"After you guys settle in, we can have dinner in the garden," Zuko said. "I'm sure the girls will be excited to see you."

"Zuko," Mai said curtly, "don't you think the girls should stay with the nanny? We wouldn't want to overwhelm our guests on their first day here." Zuko fumbled for something to say, but he was spared a moment later by Katara and Aang insisting that wasn't necessary.

"Don't be silly!" Katara cried. "We haven't seen them in so long. Besides, it'll be nice to be around some children again. It's been too quiet without our three moose lion cubs."

"Although sometimes it's nice to have a break from them now and again," Aang mused. Katara shot him a look that was almost- but not quite- a glare. Aang laughed nervously and added, "But we would love to see the girls! We brought them some candy from the Earth Kingdom. Toph turned us on to a shop that makes the best sand pine nut brittle I've ever tasted." Zuko shifted uncomfortably, unsure if he should tell them that the girls weren't big on candy, but when Mai demurely thanked them for thinking of the girls, he decided to not say anything. Who knew? Maybe the girl's would enjoy the world's best sand pine nut brittle. The servants signaled that they were ready to lead Katara and Aang to their suite. They followed, bickering lightly about something or other as the followed the servants up the stairs.

When they were gone, Zuko turned to Mai, with a slight, bemused smile. He invited her to laugh about seeing old friends again, but one look at Mai's expression silenced him. Her face would have been blank to just about anyone else who happened to see her, but Zuko recognized a look in her eyes that had often sent him fleeing for the safety of his office. She was angry with him.

Mai never argued with him. In all the years they had been married, Zuko couldn't remember her ever yelling at him. He had yelled at her. A lot during the early years of their marriage, but when Mai would look at him with her dark solemn eyes, he would feel like a stupid bully. It took Zuko some years to realize that that was how Mai fought back. Without saying a word, she could make Zuko feel lower than dirt. But he wasn't sure what he had done to deserve the look now.

"Is there…something wrong?" he asked hesitantly. Mai stared at him coldly and said nothing. She turned and started up the stairs. Zuko watched her leave and bit back a scowl. He hated her unpredictable mood swings. He was sure Mai expected him to follow her. He usually did, eventually. This time, however, Zuko decided to go back to his office and wait her out. There was more than enough work on his desk to keep him occupied until it was time to eat.

Zuko had to pass his daughters' playroom on the way to his office. He heard laughing coming out from the cracked door. It stopped him in his tracks. He couldn't remember the last time he heard his girls laugh. Their nannies and tutors had made sure that like all well-bred children they were seen and not heard around the palace. Zuko crept to the door and peeked in to see what they were doing.

Kiko and Honora were standing by the dollhouse he had gotten them a few birthdays ago. He couldn't remember ever seeing them play with it, but they were busy rearranging the small dolls that went with it now. Another voice cut in over the girls' giggling. Katara came up to the dollhouse with her hands behind her back, trying and failing to look serious.

"Now girls," she said imperiously, "this is a very important night for the Queen of Doll Manor. She has invited the princes of Ba Sing Se _and_ the Nao Sings of Gaoling. We have to look our best to impress her guests!"

"Aunt Katara!" Kiko laughed. "You're rhyming again!"

"It's a spell by an evil sorcerer!" Honora declared. "It comes and goes!" Katara grinned and brought her hands to the front. She was carrying a couple of hanboks in the twins' size.

"What Honora says is true!" she said. "But let's not focus on a spell we cannot undo. Like I said, we must impress! Now hurry quick, and go get dressed!" The girls squealed in delight, a sound that left Zuko gaping. They scurried out of sight- to their dressing room, Zuko guessed. Katara glanced up at the door and saw Zuko. She looked very disappointed. Zuko felt his face heat up with shame. He didn't know where it came from. He ducked his head and walked quickly to his office.

Zuko didn't have time to get much work done. By the time he was able to shake his shame and confusion and sit down to work, dinner was ready. A servant came and announced that his guests and family were waiting in the garden. To Zuko's further embarrassment, he realized that he had forgotten to change out of the clothes he had gone to meet Aang and Katara in. They were more ornate than he generally wore to such an informal dinner. Mai wouldn't be happy. With a sigh, he went down to the garden, deciding that it would be worse to make his guests wait than to show up a little overdressed.

As he predicted, Mai met Zuko with a disapproving look. Zuko ignored her and took the seat opposite her. Katara and Aang had changed out of their travelling clothes, though Aang looked like he had spent a bit more time getting ready than his wife. Zuko noticed that his daughters weren't there yet.

"Where are the girls?" he asked Mai.

"They should be here shortly," Mai told him, not meeting his eye. "The governess is bringing them." Mai was proven right a moment later. The stern looking governess led her two charges to the table. Mai's eyes widened slightly and her mouth tightened when she saw what they were wearing. They must have been the hanboks Katara had given them, Zuko decided. They looked fine, Zuko thought. They a bit over dressed for a private family dinner maybe, but not more so than he was. Zuko wondered at Mai's reaction. The girls studiously avoided looking at their mother as they bowed respectfully to the adults and unobtrusively took their seats. It was a jarring contrast to their laughter earlier.

"Those aren't the outfits I laid out for you," Mai said tersely.

"Aunt Katara gave them to us," Honora explained. "We thought it would be a nice gesture to wear them tonight."

"We hope that's okay, Mother," Kiko murmured demurely.

"You look lovely," Zuko told them. They looked at him in surprise before they schooled their faces.

"Thank you, Father," they said in tandem. Zuko turned his eyes to his plate uncomfortably and muttered something noncommittal. Just then he hated how uncomfortable he felt with his own children.

"Did you thank your Aunt for her…generous gift?" Mai asked. Zuko was certain they had, but they repeated their thanks anyway.

'It was no trouble at all," Katara assured them and Mai. "I'm just glad I got the size right. You're about the same size as my Kya. We'll have to bring the kids then next time we come. I think you and Kya would get along very well. She could teach you all the games I've forgotten." The twins smiled quickly at that.

"We'd like that," Kiko said, shyly.

"And-" Honora started hesitantly. "And perhaps _we_ could return the visit?" Katara smiled brightly.

"Of course you can," she assured them. She turned to Mai and Zuko with an overly serious look on her face. "If it's alright with your parents, that is." Zuko couldn't help the smile that came to his face. Katara reminded him a lot of Sokka with his playful teasing just then.

"I don't mind at all," he said, turning his smile to his daughters. "We should make it a family trip. When was the last time we all went somewhere that didn't involve a state dinner or someone's political maneuverings?" The twins looked at each other uncertainly, then back at their father blankly.

'I think it was Ember Island," Honora ventured quietly. "For your thirtieth birthday." Zuko felt unaccountably hurt by how withdrawn his daughters were just then. They had always been a bit out of his reach, he thought, but having seen them with Katara that afternoon, he realized that there was a side of his daughters that he didn't know. They didn't want him to know.

"Well, that was over six years ago," he said, fighting to sound cheerful. "I think we're all over due for a family vacation. What do you think?" The twins nodded haughtily.

 _No, not haughty,_ Zuko understood for the first time. _Timidly_. His daughters were….what? he wondered. Not afraid- at least he hoped not. Wary? Maybe that was closer. Though Zuko didn't like that anymore than the idea that they were afraid.

"Republic City for vacation?" Mai said with true hauteur. "How…quaint." She locked eyes with Zuko and lifted her lip subtly but snidely. Zuko didn't think that Katara and Aang caught it, but he could see that Honora and Kiko saw it. They lowered their gaze towards their plates looking ashamed of themselves. Zuko pressed his lips together tightly. He would do anything to see his girls smiling and laughing the way they had been earlier that afternoon.

"It's settled then," he declared, ignoring Mai's startled gasp. The twins looked up at him in surprise.

"Father?" they asked in unison. Katara and Aang looked at the family in confusion. Zuko felt almost giddy, but he reined himself in.

"Well," he said. "I can clear my schedule at the end of the summer and take two or three weeks off. I'm afraid I won't be able to do much more than that," he turned to the twins apologetically, and then to Aang and Katara sheepishly. "Of course I don't expect you to put us up the whole time. We can stay at a hotel in town."

"Don't be silly!" Aang brushed him off. He leaned forward eagerly. "There's plenty of room at the Air Temple. We just finished building the east wing. You could stay there. The girls, I'm sure, will be more than welcome to share Kya's room. She's always talking about how much she wants sisters." Katara raised an eyebrow.

"I've _never_ heard her ask for more siblings," she told her husband. "But she does love a good slumber party. We'd be happy to have you stay with us."

"Great!" Zuko almost shouted. "It'll be a chance for the girls to see something besides the Fire Nation."

"I've always wanted to see Republic City!" Honora flushed at her outburst and looked at her parents nervously. Mai was preparing to fix her with a disappointed glare, but Zuko decided not to give her a chance.

"You'll love it," Zuko promised her. "The entire city is electrified. Wait until you see the streets at night. It's almost impossible to tell the earth from the sky."

"We'll have to take them to the shopping center," Katara added. "If you two are anything like my brood, you'll want to spend an entire day there. If you don't like shopping, there are a hundred different styles of food, and street performers out at all hours."

"Don't forget the carnival they set up at the end of the summer," Aang reminded her. "Have you girls ever heard of that new contraption- what's it called?- a carousel?" The twins shook their heads no. Aang explained to them the set-up of ostrich horses, polar bear dogs, elephant koi and a whole assortment of other animals tethered to poles on a mechanical axis that played music. Zuko watched with a small smile as his daughters' faces lit up with excitement. He glanced up at Mai, who had an unreadable look on her face. She looked up when she felt him watching her. Zuko offered her a bemused smile, but Mai didn't return it. But, Zuko noted, she wasn't frowning either.

The group sat at the table for another hour or so. The sun had long set by the time they stirred to get up. The governess came and collected the girls. Before they left, they bowed to the adults respectfully, but with smiles on their faces. To his surprise, they spoke to him specifically.

"Good night, Father," they said shyly. With another bow to their mother, they let their governess lead them back inside. The rest stayed out only a bit longer. They decided it was probably best to get to bed early. Aang and Katara had had a tiring journey, and there was work to be done the next day. So, with another round of goodnights, Mai motioned for a servant to show the other couple back to their rooms. When they were gone, Zuko followed Mai back to their suite.

She was quiet until they had changed into their pajamas, but when Zuko came back from washing up, he found her in the middle of their bedroom, arms folded and glaring at him. Zuko only just stopped himself from ducking back into the bathroom. Mai's knife throwing days- he hoped- were long behind her, after all.

"Is there a problem, dear?" he asked.

"Republic City for vacation?" she demanded. "How could you promise that in front of the girls? In front of our guests? You should have discussed it with me first!"

"And give you the chance to say no?" Zuko muttered.

" _What_ was that?" Mai's eyes narrowed to slits.

"It's too late to say no," Zuko said. Mai seethed, and Zuko put his hands up in placating gesture. "I'm sorry, you're right. I should have talked it over with you, but Honora and Kiko are so excited. We can't cancel now." Mai huffed and sat down at her vanity table.

"Well, why don't we send them?" she suggested. "I don't see why we have to spend a month in that filthy town." Zuko rolled his eyes, but wisely chose not to point out the state of their own city.

"I want us to go together, as a family," he said instead. "I just realized today that our daughters, _my_ children, are complete strangers to me."

"What do you mean, Zuko?" Mai rubbed her forehead tiredly. "You live in the same place as they do."  
"And there is still so much I don't know about them," Zuko insisted. "Do you know that I haven't heard them laugh, or play, or roughhouse since they were toddlers?"

"We have very well behaved girls," Mai explained simply. "They don't _roughhouse_ because they weren't raised like gutter children."

"That wouldn't make them _gutter children_ ," Zuko snapped. "It would make them children. They are too young to be so…so…"

"Blah?" Mai finished scathingly. Zuko turned away, appropriately shame faced.

"That wasn't what I was going to say," he said. "This could be good for us, too." Mai quirked an eyebrow at him. She looked almost amused.

"Do you really think this lousy excuse for a vacation is going to fix what's wrong with _us_?" Zuko drew himself up defensively.

"It might," he retorted, "if you'd bring your nose out of the air long enough." Zuko threw his hands up. "I don't know what else to do, but we have to do _something._ Are _you_ happy with how things are right now? I mean, our daughters can barely meet our eyes, and we…what even _are_ we anymore?" Mai looked at her husband coldly.

"We are a married couple," she said, "that doesn't love each other." Zuko couldn't have been more stunned if Mai had actually thrown a dagger at him.

"Do you mean that?" he asked, wounded. Mai turned and focused on something on her table. "Mai, are you happy with that?"

"It is what it is, Zuko," she said blandly. "It's what it always was."

"What are you talking abo-"

"Stop, Zuko!" Mai stood up and crossed the room to Zuko before he even registered that she had moved. She looked him in the eye. "Tell me the truth. Can you honestly say you loved me when you married me? Or was I just the most convenient choice?" Zuko opened and closed his mouth a few times. Mai smirked at him triumphantly. "Do you really think that a three week trip to a place I don't want to go is going to fix almost twenty years of total dysfunction?"

"Mai, I…" Zuko stammered. But Mai just cut him off.

"Why don't we stop pretending, Zuko? It will make the next twenty years so much easier." Mai looked at Zuko's pallid, stunned face and sighed. "You are a good husband. I have always doubted your love, but I never questioned your loyalty. You're not a bad father. You're a better father than either of us had anyway. But the charade of a happy family is old. I don't care anymore. Do whatever you'd like. I trust you to be discreet."

"Mai…" Zuko tried once more. Mai ignored him and climbed into bed.

"You can take the girls to Republic City, if you must. But I'm not going. Maybe once the girls see how awful that place is, they'll stop acting like giddy children every time the Avatar and his wife visit." That was the end. A few moments later, Zuko heard Mai's light snoring, and he knew she was asleep. That was the worst of it. That she could roll over and go to sleep after what she had just said…Zuko balled his hands into tight fists. He wanted to flip the bed and dump Mai onto the floor. He wanted to wake her up and have this out properly. He thought about what he would say. How he would refute every accusation she threw at him. Zuko was halfway across the room, and then he stopped.

Mai was right, he admitted to himself. He didn't love her. He had never loved her. He was nineteen when his advisors had begun pressuring him to marry, and he was twenty when he and Mai got married after four years of being in a sort of drifting and aimless relationship. If he was truly being honest, he had wanted to break up with her after the war, but with his friends all leaving him to help with the reconstruction efforts, and Iroh planning to return to his tea shop in Ba Sing Se as soon as he had seen Zuko settled in to his new role as Fire Lord, Mai was the only constant figure in his life. He stayed with her because he wasn't ready to be alone. It wasn't fair to her, and Zuko found he didn't blame her for her feelings now.

Instead, Zuko left the room and wandered the quiet halls until he ended up in the gardens. He stood on the terrace and looked out onto the fragrant flowers drooping sleepily in the moonlight. He wasn't sure what he was feeling then except for out of control. With a sigh, he dropped his head down to his arms and wondered how he had ended up here. He heard footsteps in the hall and a moment later, someone else stood by his side at the railing. Zuko glanced over and saw slender, dark brown hands that could only belong to Katara. He didn't stand up.

"You're missing the fireflies," she told him.  
"They'll be there tomorrow,' he said curtly. Katara stood silently next to him for a long while. Zuko waited for her to go back and leave him alone, but she didn't. And he knew better to believe she actually would.

"I don't really want to talk about it," he said. Katara snorted.

"Now there's a surprise," she snapped back. "Luckily for you, I wasn't asking you to." Zuko looked at her warily from the corner of his eyes, not that Katara could see. Zuko was far too familiar with her meddlesome ways to trust what she said.

"I'm glad you're coming to visit us this summer," Katara said conversationally. "I'm a bit irritated that you hadn't thought to visit before. You have a standing invitation, you know. Same as Sokka and Suki, and Toph."

"Been busy," Zuko grunted.

"Yeah, yeah, I know," Katara said. Zuko could almost _hear_ her making a face at him. "Fire Lord, blah, blah, blah. But Zuko, it's been ten years since you helped us found Republic City. In all that time you couldn't spare a week or two to visit?" Zuko stood up, ready to have the argument that he hadn't been able to have with Mai. But the angry retort died on his tongue when he saw Katara's face. She looked truly hurt, and worried for him. "We've missed you, Fire Lord Sparky."

Zuko tried to speak, but he felt his throat constrict. Embarrassingly, Zuko felt tears stinging his eyes. They started falling, one or two at a time at first, but he was quickly sobbing outright. Katara pulled him into a hug and let him cry on her. They stayed like that- Katara rubbing his back soothingly and Zuko sobbing into her shoulder with his arms around her weakly- for a long time. Finally, Zuko managed to calm himself enough to get his tears under control. Katara somehow produced a handkerchief and gave it to Zuko to dry his face. He took it gratefully, looking at the large, dark wet mark on Katara's shoulder, but she shrugged it off. Between her three children, she had been covered in much worse than tears and snot.

"Are you going to ask what that was about?" Zuko asked.

"Are you ready to tell me?" Katara countered. Zuko was silent. With a sigh, Katara sat down and leaned back against the railing. After a moment's hesitation, Zuko sat down as well.

"I had a great time with the girls this afternoon," Katara said out of nowhere. "That's a great dollhouse, too. They told me you gave it to them for their ninth birthday, but it hardly looks used. Even _I_ couldn't wait to play with it."

"I don't think they were ever too much into toys," Zuko said uncertainly. "I think their mother wanted me to get them jeweled hair combs, or something like that." Katara glanced up at the sky thoughtfully and shrugged.

"I could see that I guess," she said. "I'm not sure Kya would have wanted that at eight. But then, I suppose I should stop thinking of every girl Kya's age in terms of what Kya would want or think, huh?" Zuko took a deep breath and forced it out through his clenched teeth.

"At least you have a basis for comparison," he said bitterly. "You know what I realized today? My daughters are complete strangers to me. I thought they were…well, they aren't who I thought they were, but I don't know who they actually _are_. " Zuko growled in frustration and ran his hands through his hair. "Ugh! That doesn't even make any sense."

"It makes sense," Katara assured him. She reached over and took one of Zuko's hands in hers. "You only get to see what they show you, but that's not who they are. Or, it's not _all_ of who they are. But they're great kids, Zuko. You still have a chance to find out for yourself." Zuko turned his hand up and closed his fingers around hers.

"I saw you with them today," he said. "I've never heard them laugh like that before. Even when they were little, they were so reserved. I guess I just thought that was their personalities and I didn't know how to respond to that. I forgot how it is when you're growing up in this place. Everyone tells you that a child is to be seen and not heard. You're not to disturb adults who are too busy to chase after you or stop what they're doing to tend to you if you fall or have a fight or any other thing that a kid is supposed to do. I forgot how lonely it was to be a child in this family, and now I've let my own children go through... through what I-" Zuko felt his throat close around more sobs. He bit down on his lip and buried his face in his free hand.

"Zuko." Katara squeezed her friend's hand. "You have _not_ made them go through what you did. You are nowhere near the man your father was. You are _not_ him. I spent all of two hours with your girls, and you know what? They love you. The _adore_ you. Yes, you've made some mistakes, but we _all_ have. It doesn't make you a horrible father. The question is what are you going to do from here?" Zuko shook his head and shrugged helplessly.

"I wouldn't know where to begin," he said.

"You could say you're sorry," Katara suggested. "Admit that you know you've made mistakes with them and tell them you want to do better. Children…children are so quick to forgive. Even if you keep doing the same stupid things-" Katara cut herself off, and looked away before Zuko could see her pained expression.

"I don't know if I'm sorry is going to do much. It's been so long and now…" Zuko 's voice trailed off.

"Now…?" Katara looked at Zuko expectantly. He lowered his head and didn't answer. Katara sighed, but didn't pry. "'I'm sorry' isn't going to fix everything. You're going to have to do a lot of changing, and it's going to take a lot of work. But 'I'm sorry' is a good start."

"Have you had to apologize to your kids?" Zuko asked.

"Ha! Constantly," Katara told him. "More times than I can count. That's how I know Honora and Keiko will forgive you."

Zuko sighed and let his head fall back. Staring up at the stars, Zuko took several breaths. A light breeze stirred his salt and pepper locks. Katara sat silently by his side, her hand still in his. Zuko absently ran his thumb over the back of her hand. It was the most peaceful moment he had had in years.

"What else is bothering you?" Katara asked after Zuko had been silent for a long while. Zuko laughed humorlessly, still looking at the sky.

"My failure as a father isn't enough for you?"

"You're not a failure," Katara said. "If you don't want to talk about it, you don't have to. I don't need to know everything, I just want you to be happy. I hate it that you're not."

"I'm never happy," Zuko sighed. Katara frowned and turned her gaze from Zuko's profile to the sky.

"That's not funny."

"I really wasn't trying to be."

Silence fell over them again, but it wasn't an uncomfortable silence. Katara reclaimed her hand and wrapped her arms around her knees. Zuko folded his hands together in his lap. The hand that Katara let go of was suddenly cold.

"Are you happy?" Zuko asked her. Katara looked at Zuko in surprise. He had his eyes trained on the ground beside him. His lips were pursed, which Katara remembered meant that he was thinking hard about something. She considered his question for a few moments before answering.

"I am,' she said at last. "But not all the time."

"What makes you happy?"

"My children," Katara answered. There was a small smile on her lips. "Even at their worst, they make me happy."

"Is that all?" Zuko asked. "Nothing else makes you happy?"

"They're enough," Katara told him. "But other things make me smile, too. I love the waterfalls near the Southern air temple. And I love the sunrise."

"Really?" Zuko glanced up, mildly surprised. Katara smirked at him.

"I know, 'but you rise with the moon', right?" Zuko stared at her blankly, and Katara's smile widened. "I'll bet you don't even remember saying that to me."

"No, no," Zuko said quickly. "I do remember it. I'm surprised that _you_ remember it."

"I forget nothing!" Katara turned her nose up haughtily. "I do love sunrise. It reminds me of old times. Traveling with everyone before our complicated lives got even more complicated."

"Old times?" Zuko turned to Katara incredulously. "Like before the war ended and we were living like criminals hiding from my psychotic father? _Those_ old times?" Katara let out a short bark of laughter.

"It wasn't all bad," she insisted. "There were a lot of moments when I could forget _why_ we were going to all the places we were going and just enjoy being there. Besides, that's how _we_ became friends."

"Yeah, I don't remember those days quite as fondly as you do," Zuko muttered. "I can't think about that point in my life without wanting to kick myself."

"I wouldn't stop you," Katara promised. "But you learned a lot from it. I think it made you who you are today." Zuko groaned and rolled his eyes. "Stop that! You're a great leader, you know. Things aren't perfect, but I know how hard you're working to make things better for your country. You're not a perfect father, but you love your children and you'll eventually figure out what your relationship is supposed be. The Zuko I met those many, _many_ years ago didn't have your patience, or your kindness. He definitely wouldn't have put the needs of so many- an entire country full of people- ahead of what he wanted from life. You learned that from _all_ of your mistakes. Remember that the next time you want to kick yourself."

"Can I hire you to make inspirational speeches full time?" Zuko asked, only half joking. "I think I could get so much more done if I had someone on _my_ side for once. "

"I'm sure you have plenty of people on your side," Katara chided. "What about Mai?"

"Ha! Yeah, Mai is so supportive." Katara looked startled at the bitterness in Zuko's voice. His face flushed with shame and he started to stand up. "It's getting late. We should really-"

Katara reached up and grasped Zuko's hand again. Her face was a startling mix of sympathy, pity, and commiseration.

"You had a fight with her." Katara wasn't asking. Zuko's nostrils flared and his brow scrunched deeply.

"You wouldn't understand," Zuko said shaking her off. He started to head back inside. Behind him, he heard Katara stand up.

"I bet I would,' she said quietly. Zuko hesitated at the entrance to the palace and looked back at Katara. "I married a man I didn't love because I thought it was what was best for everyone. I thought he'd need me to keep his mind focused on what he was supposed to be doing. When I was pregnant with our first child, I thought he'd need me bring back the legacy he lost. I thought somewhere in the middle of all of that I'd eventually fall in love with him." Zuko turned to face Katara. She had tears falling from her eyes, but she either didn't notice or care, because she didn't reach up to wipe them away.

"Katara, I-"

"I'm not in love with my husband," Katara whispered miserably. Zuko had crossed the patio almost unconsciously. His hand itched to wipe the tears from Katara's face. He stuck it in his pocket and pulled out the handkerchief she had lent him earlier. It was still damp from his tears. He held it out for her. Katara laughed humorlessly and took it from him.

"I get marriage problems," Katara said, dabbing her eyes with the cloth. " _Believe_ me, I understand."

"Does he know?" Zuko asked. Katara shrugged and shook her head.

"Aang is a very smart, very caring man," Katara said. "But he isn't very observant. He takes things at surface value, and at the surface, I'm very happy to be his wife. And our children don't take his attention to Tenzin personally. And all the problems in our home can be solved by fruit tarts or a ride on Appa. To him, nothing has changed since we were teenagers, which is a huge part of the problem. I sometimes feel like I'm raising four children on my own instead of three with Aang." Zuko nodded and glanced at his feet.

"Do you hate him?" he asked. Katara gasped at the question.

" _Hate_ him?" she repeated. "No, I don't hate him. It's not his fault that I feel this way. He's been the best husband he knows how to be. And he gave me my children. I have a lot of regrets, but I won't be bitter about it. I don't hate him." Katara paused and looked into Zuko's eyes. "Do you hate Mai?"

"She hates _me_." Zuko went back to the balcony and leaned over it. He told Katara about his argument with Mai. He told her about how she accused him of never loving her, and how he couldn't deny it. He told Katara about how he had been slowly growing to resent her indolence and apathy while he was trying to fix the country as much for her and their children as for the citizens of the Fire Nation. He told her how Mai had as good as given him permission to have an affair.

"As if I'd ever do something like that to my family," Zuko hissed. "My _father_ would do something like that. Even before he banished my mother, he would take those women…No one was supposed to know, but we all knew. It made my mother miserable. Mai couldn't care less, but I can't put my daughters through that. I can't let them think that it's okay for a husband to do that do his wife."

Zuko buried his face in his hands, and curled his fingers around the hair falling around him. Katara was quiet. She didn't know what to say to that. It had been obvious to her that something wasn't right between her friend and his wife, but this was so much worse than she thought it was. As much as she wanted to offer a solution, but she didn't know where to even begin. She was against divorce as a principle, but in Zuko's case, she would have argued for it. She knew it hadn't even crossed his mind. Even if it had, he wouldn't go through with it. Stability in the royal family was vital for the still shaken Fire Nation, and Katara understood the driving force of obligation in keeping a rocky marriage together. She had often wondered if she would have dared ask Aang for a divorce if the children weren't a factor; if she wasn't so tied to the politics of being the Avatar's Wife. Or would she have the nerve to break his heart that way? What would her life have been like if she had refused Aang's proposal?

"Aren't we a pair," she said drily after a while. Zuko chuckled bitterly.

"We were always too headstrong and duty bound for our own good," he said. "I would have thought I would have _at least_ been too selfish to marry someone I didn't like. You know Uncle tried to talk me out of marrying her?" Katara looked up in surprise.

"I thought Iroh loved Mai."

"He treated her kindly," Zuko told Katara. "He was respectful to everyone. But he didn't like her or trust her much. He told me that he didn't think Mai really wanted the responsibility of being Fire Lady. That she just wanted the status. I told him he didn't know her well enough and I threatened to burn all the tea in the Fire Nation if he insulted her again-" Katara laughed outright- "One again, he was right and I was so very wrong."

"What would you do if you could change it?" Katara asked. Zuko sighed.

"Not marry her, obviously," he said. "I would have done what I should have done and broke up with her properly before I left the Fire Nation the second time. I would have told those advisors to shove their marriage advice and taken a chance that the right woman for me was still out there." Katara murmured her agreement.

"I wouldn't have gotten into a relationship with Aang at all," she told Zuko. "I would have told him how I really felt and risk him being hurt for a little while. I realize now that he would have gotten over me. And maybe he wouldn't be so dependent on having someone with him now. I feel like I really held him back as the Avatar for a long time. It took him years to be able to trust his own judgement on things."

"He's great as the Avatar because of you," Zuko said. "If it hadn't been for you, I don't think Republic City would exist." Katara laughed.

"No, that was mostly you and Aang.'  
"Well, sure, as far as the infrastructure goes," Zuko admitted. 'But that city's heart came from you. You set up the by-laws, and appointed some of the most honest bureaucrats I've ever heard of. You started the hospital, the library, the university. You should be running that city. I mean _actually_ running the city, not just pulling the strings."

"Stop," Katara laughed again. "I can't run the city. I'm too busy. Besides, the point of Republic City was to set up a place where the citizens can try to develop their own idea of society. If I stick my oar in, they'll never learn to come up with their own ideas."

"Still," Zuko mused. "I'd love to have you come here and help me sort out my city. Of course, I'd have to be careful that the people don't think you've deposed me and become the Fire Lady yourself." Zuko glanced over at Katara and imagined her with his crown on her head. He saw Mai's crown instead. Blinking he shook the image from his brain and looked back at the garden. To his irritation, he could feel heat rising in his cheeks, but a cloud passed in front of the moon, and it was too dark for Katara to see it.

"I'm always willing to help however I can," Katara promised him. "You know that." Zuko smiled slightly.

"Careful," he said. "I might take you up on that. Could your family spare you?"

"I'll bring the kids with me," Katara said. "We can come when there's no school."

'The girls would love that," Zuko agreed. "It'd be good for them to be around kids their age. Maybe let them get into a little trouble."

"You should invite Toph and her girls, if you really want trouble," Katara said with a chuckle.

"Woah!" Zuko held his hands up. "Let's take this one step at a time. I want my daughters to have some fun, not set the palace on fire."

"Coward!" Katara declared. She laughed with Zuko, and they tried to keep the noise down so as not to disturb the sleeping palace. They managed to compose themselves a few minutes later and stood together enjoying the warm quiet night. A breeze blew and Katara's hair tickled Zuko's arm. Suddenly his spine stiffened as he realized how close they were standing. Katara felt the chance in his stance and looked up at him questioningly. Her eyes widened slightly when they locked on his, but she didn't move away. Her gaze lowered to his lips. She was standing very close. All Zuko had to do was lean down.

The cloud passed and the moon gleamed down on the garden again. Zuko cleared his throat and stepped back slightly. Katara's lips turned up into a small bemused smile.

"It's getting late," she said. Zuko nodded. He had to resist the urge to rub the back of his neck.

"Yeah, I've got to get up early tomorrow." He and Katara walked quietly to the staircase. Zuko wished her good night and started up the stairs. He was halfway up when Katara called him.

"Zuko." She leaned against the railing, biting her lip hesitantly. "A lot of things in my life haven't turned out the way I thought they would, and there are a lot of things I wish I could change. But one thing I will always be grateful for is that I have you in my life. Your friendship means so much to me. Stop disappearing on me?" Zuko felt tears stinging his eyes again. He went back down the stairs to where Katara was standing and pulled her into a tight hug.

"Thank you," he whispered. "For everything." Katara leaned up and kissed his cheek.

"Anytime." She pulled away and went up the stairs leading to her and Aang's rooms. Zuko watched her leave, rubbing his cheek where she kissed him, thinking of all the ways his life could have been different if he had made another choice. At last, with a sigh, Zuko dropped his arm and headed for his office. In the morning, he'd have the servants set up one of the spare rooms for him to sleep in. His life hadn't turned out the way he had planned either. But just maybe he could learn from Katara's example and make the best of what he had.


End file.
